Breaking the cycle

It was so easy to be angry at the legalistic Christians who have no idea what it means to love others as we are called to. I pretty much quit being angry and bitter when I made a guess at WHY they had been so poor at loving. God had called us to love others as we love ourselves.

It appeared to me perhaps we as Christians struggle to love others because we do not actually know how to love ourselves. For so many of us, or I know for me at least, I would not wish on anyone the kind of love I dish out on myself much of the time. So I see Christians in a different light. We suck so much at loving others because we do not know how to love ourselves as Christ sees and loves us.[Tweet That] So the cycle begins.

Now I have been noticing another point in that cycle. That point answers the question, "Why do we struggle to love ourselves?" "Why do Christians have such a horrible time loving themselves and thus loving and accepting others?" Essentially, why ARE we legalistic?

The answer comes from within the question. We are legalistic because we have been hurt by legalism.

I have a hard time loving and accepting others because I have a hard time loving myself, and I have a hard time loving and accepting myself because I do not feel loved and accepted by Christians, and Christians have a hard time loving and accepting me because they have a hard time loving and accepting themselves, and they have a hard time loving and accepting themselves because I, a Christian, have a hard time loving and accepting them. And the cycle of legalism thickens, and I am more a part of it than I ever realized.

Can the cycle be broken? Yes! How?

By loving and accepting myself AND others! By not withholding love and acceptance! The easiest cycle breaker (and hardest personal choice) is to break the cycle at the point of reality and brokeness. I take away the pretense of perfection...of myself. Then I allow the Christians to realize I have no perfection pretense of myself and I am able to have no perfection pretense of them. This will happen when I become more concerned with being honest and acquiring healing instead of appearing fine, okay, good, or dare I say, perfect. It is in my brokenness that legalism cycles are broken. Because then I am able to love others as I love myself, which is loving acceptance of myself despite my failures and mistakes. So when I love and accept others as I do myself, they can love and accept themselves as they are, and then love me and others as they love themselves.

But right now, we DO love others as we love ourselves...legalistically.

Broken Faith

"Behold the man who would not make God his refuge; but trusted in the abundance of his riches and was strong in his evil desire. But as for me, I am like a green olive tree in the house of God forever and ever. I will give You thanks forever, because You have done it, and I will wait on Your name, for it is good in the presence of Your godly ones." - Psalm 52:7-9

If your trust in God's goodness and faithfulness wanes when times are tough, you have to wonder if your faith was ever in God in the first place. Perhaps it was in the things you have now lost.

Faith in God is not determined by our circumstances. That is faith in our circumstances; not faith in God. {Tweet that} Our circumstances can change in an instant, but God never changes.

Verse 8 begins, "But as for me..."

How would your life complete that sentence?

You're Welcome: Sugar & the Hi Lows

Every once in a while, there are things I just cannot get enough of, and I feel it is my duty to spread the word. There are times those things are websites. Other times they are books, and many times they are music artists. Right now, I cannot get enough of Sugar & the Hi Lows. Their sound is reminicent but so refreshing. If you have never heard them, you're welcome. Other artists on frequent rotation on music player: - Beautiful Eulogy - Alabama Shakes - Propaganda - Churchill

Songs on frequent rotation: - Beautiful Eulogy by Beautiful Eulogy - We Will Run/He is Here - Live by Gungor - Awake My Soul - with Lecrae by Chris Tomlin - Came to My Rescue by Hillsong - Two Day High by Sugar & the Hi Lows (video below) ------- What is on your frequent rotation right now? [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9UmLEifiPI&w=560&h=315]

Throw up first

I am teaching a workshop on the creative process in March at The Worship Conference. I am having similar feelings as I do when given opportunities to teach God's Word; who am I to teach this? All is grace!

Same as intimate connection with God, moments and periods of creativity are exactly that; moments! [Tweet That] We all have times when God seems as distant as our creativity. As a follower of Jesus, I believe the two are intimately connected. I am my most creative when I am most connected to the heart of God.

There are practical steps to take for jumpstarting that intimacy, and there are practical steps for jumpstarting your creativity. I will communicate those in my workshop in March, but one I will communicate in a great quote I just came across.

"Throw up into your typewriter every morning. Clean up every noon." - Raymond Chandler

Adjusted Blindness

John of the Cross calls it "The Dark Night of the Soul". But we all know how it feels. If not, you will experience that time eventually.

I think about it this way. If you have some experience where the lights are turned out for a considerable amount of time, your eyes adjust to the darkness, but you know the light that was present just before they were turned out. You enjoyed the light greatly, but now you came into the darkness and your eyes have adjusted to the darkness. Now, the feeling I have been talking about...what John calls "Darkness of the Soul" comes when the lights are turned back on. Glorious light! Finally you have gone from light to darkness, and now back to incredible light. This whole time you have been in the dark room longing for light.

You knew ABOUT light. You recalled everything ABOUT light that you knew before. But, o happy day, you get to actually EXPERIENCE the light after so long spent thinking ABOUT light. Glorious....right?

Not necessarily! As soon as you experience light after being in that dark room, you are temporarily blinded because you go immediately from dark to light, and your eyes cannot take the sudden change. You must now learn to adjust. For so long you knew ABOUT light. You even proved very confident in your knowledge about how light operates, but now in full EXPERIENCE of light, you are thrown into a temporary blindness. You cannot take all of it, and now you must adjust. It still seems dark for a second, but you have EXPERIENCED the light you had only known ABOUT before.

We are believers who know a lot about God. We have become excellent at how much we have learned about our phenomenal God. We see great things, and we know God has shown these things to us. But now, we are beginning to actually see God. We are at the piont of entering into truly experiencing the God we have learned so much about. We are entering intimacy with the heart of a relational God.

When Moses got closer enough to God, he "hid his face", and he was terrified. The closer to God he got (and he got closer to God than we will ever know), the more darkness he experienced. Darkness came in ways of fear, anxiety and confusion. Now that sounds very familiar to our darkness of soul, and Moses knew much of God, and yet still faced himself in darkness when he experienced God.

After all we have seen, we all the sudden become blind. But it is because we are in the midst of a great transition into experiencing the God we have always known ABOUT. This God we know so much about now becomes "absent"...or at least appears absent behind our exposure to a light our faith cannot handle. God is not actually absent, but we have become temporarily blinded by the purity and glory of God coming into a closer relationship with us.

The question is:

WILL WE ADJUST OR GIVE UP AND CLAIM HE'S ABSENT?

Break down the warrior

I need constant reminders of God's upside-down kingdom. Even I, a selfish man, oddly enjoy being reminded of God's kingdom, which strengthens the stumbler and breaks down the warrior. There is still a weaker side of me, which is relieved to know a God who lifts the poor and needy from the ash heap and hurls them into TBN-like chairs of gold like princes. Being reminded of that kind of kingdom with God's kind of justice makes me want to be needy. Because God sends poverty and wealth . He humbles and exalts. But he exalts the poor and humbles and breaks the wealthy and self-righteous.

God's kingdom lifts up the poor and breaks down the wealthy and self-righteous. I can only pray that God may break me down where needed, that I may be poor and lifted up some day.

1 Samuel 2:4-5, 7, 9

"The bows of the warriors are broken, but those who stumbled are armed with strength. Those who were full hire themselves out for food, but those who were hungry hunger no more. The Lord sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts. He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor.

It is not by strength that one prevails.

DEEP: a word for the year

Last year, I chose a word to focus on instead of setting a list of goals or resolutions I would not have followed through on. Last year, that word was "restoration". This year, that word is "DEEP".

I learned a valuable lesson when I spoke at a small Christian college in the United States (You can thank me later for narrowing it down for you.) This lesson may well apply to most Christian colleges, universities or churches you visit. I learned never to stand before a crowd containing students, faculty, and administrators of a Christian college or university and state that you are about to “go really deep”. If you ever find yourself before a crowd matching this description, and these words are on the tip of your tongue, bite really hard. I do not mean to use an ambiguous cliché, I mean to quite literally bite your tongue. Perhaps biting it will keep the words ‘go really deep’ from exiting your tongue through the small opening that is your mouth and setting you up for a situation very reminiscent of…oooh??…the Titanic! Slow sinking at first followed by a plunge toward the end! I would say that is a pretty accurate depiction of how it felt. As I was introduced, I made my way up on stage, took the mic in hand and said "Once I get started, I am going to take us real deep real quickly. Is that okay with everyone?” This was the puncture, which started the leak in the ship that day. I talked about the masks we wear in Christian culture and how they often cover up our wounds, which can only heal with exposure.Conversations about our wounds and healing appear deep to me, but I was clearly mistaken. I later realized the problem was not fully in our definitions of ‘deep’ but in my lacking clarification. I should have clarified, “deep in what?’

Two hours had not gone by before I received comments in passing. “I thought you were going to go deep!” “You were not very easy to follow.” “You may need to work on your points a bit more…but good job though.” I received a few emails as well with their fair share of, what should I call it? Feedback? “PC, you and I both know your theology is very weak.” “How can you call yourself an expert or theologian?” (This one is particularly comical, because I would never dream of calling myself either.) “You said at the very beginning of your talk that you were going to ‘go deep’ and you never did that once.” “I checked out the college you went to and…blah, blah, blah…something bad about my Alma Matter…blah, blah.” Notice how the disconnected emails were a bit more abrasive.

PLEASE allow me to make a few things clear right away. It is fully my intention this year to expose things I have seen and done. These things may be offensive and cutting. You may expect my thoughts and writing to be irreverent and theologically shallow. I give my personal guarantee the words you read will be ‘deep’, but deep to an honest place in my heart and not into the recesses of exegesis and five detailed points.

It is promising you will read things that will make theologians sick and scholars angry. It is likely that Armenians and Calvinists alike will be gravely frustrated. I am an equal opportunity annoyance. This will be a collage of stories and reflections that have impacted my life and faith, and of these two things I consider myself an expert. I am not a professional scholar or renowned theologian, but I am an educated and trained expert on the topic of my life and faith. It is my hope you will enjoy what you read. I hope I am entertaining, witty and dessert to your brain. But most importantly I hope my exposed life and faith stirs something within you that has been left unattended or forgotten. I hope my reflections are refreshing even if at times refreshment comes cathartically. So are we clear? For the sake of my inbox, I hope so.

The Pain of In To Me See

Intimacy is often defined in Christian church-talk as "Into me see". Denial of intimacy with the ones you love the most is hiding what is really inside of you. You are not willing for them to see who you really are inside, and you make all sorts of attempts to hide it all...subconsciously or not. This is not only applicable to my marriage, but to God as well. Though he already knows all that is within me, how much am I willing to reveal to him. THAT determines my desire for actual intimacy.

God, into me see!

Another great nugget is "The deeper the love, the greater the hurt." [click to tweet that] This basically means people you do not know cannot hurt you. How true if you do not know someone, you could care less what they say. But our biggest wounds and hurts are inflicted by the ones we love most.

SOOOOO....

Why does our sin hurt our God so deeply? Because he desires us and is truly in love with us. The intimate God of love is hurt deeply because he really does know us....

Why does the church hurt us so badly? Why do other Christians hurt us so badly? Why am I capable of hurting my wife more than anyone else can?

WHY IS GRACE SO BEAUTIFUL....AND TRULY HEALING?

KNOW

Many times Christians are no different than non-Christians. We try to love an ideal and adhere to principles. We, in so doing, forget that it is possible to actually KNOW God. We are actually able to intimately know God. In fact, that is what truly makes us Christians. Even many non-Christians would admit God exists but never even imagine or believe God is knowable as people are. To non-Christians, God is a principle and ideal that exists and that we can believe, but they have never allowed the possibility of knowing God intimately enter their brain. Am I any different than a non-Christian?

"O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man who TRUSTS in Him." Psalm 34:8

Grace for the whore

I remember visiting my roommate, Dave, at the old people's community he used to work at in college. One of our buddies, Jason, and I wanted to visit Dave at work and see what he did there. He took us around introducing us to several of the residents he had come to know in his time working there. I remember one man pretty well even to this day.

I do not really remember his name, but I do remember Dave leaving Jason and I alone to talk with this man. That was part of the reason we chose to come; to talk with some older people with great stories. It really can be an excellent moment if you allow for it.

Jason and I sat making small talk with this older man. He was gruff. Through course of conversation, his curiosity sparked him to ask if we were Christians. He snapped the question pretty coarsely, which to our affirmative response he quickly and gruffly said, "Well I don't believe that shit!" We asked him why not, and he said he used to be in the service and lost some of his buddies. He said he even tried to turn to religion then and all he ever saw in that damn book was "death death death." That was all the Bible was to him; death and punishment. Why would a loving God go around punishing, killing, and getting pissed at people? He could not fathom that at all.

It made me think tonight about Judah as we read about it in Jerimiah, and even as we read about Israel on many occasions as well.

I wish, today, I had thought to ask the man if he was married before. If so, I would say, "Now we know you absolutely loved your wife. Of course! Now what if you came to find that your wife was sleeping around on you behind your back? You knew she had messed around some before, and you were angry, but you still chose to love her, and forgive her. But suppose she kept doing it, and it kept getting worse. Now you are a man who loves your wife. Are you angry at your wife though? Darn right you would be angry at her. What if after several occasions, you discovered your wife continued to do it and it got worse with more and more involvement with the adulterous lifestyle you come against years before? At what point would YOU break and file for divorce and say you had just had it?"

I imagine I would possibly direct my cynical friend to Jeremiah 3:1. "You have lived as a prostitute with many lovers--would you now return to me?' Declares the Lord." Most of chapter 2 and 3 of Jerimiah reveal a God who is pissed and hurt by a people he loves who have continually gone back to the sins and idols they created. God is a passionate lover who considers all of his people his bride. He is a passionate God whose love has been continually neglected by his bride.

Now as a husband, I can see how passionate my God really is for me. To see his anger and comparing me to a prostitute when I continually neglect his love has really challenged me to understand the anger and divorcing-death that my elderly friend had read so often in 'the damn book'. To see myself as the slut that Jeremiah writes of challenges me to see God as a passionate lover who desires real intimacy apart from my whoring continual sin. He truly is a God of grace, and I do not overlook that; but to see his anger allows me to see his passion for me revealed even more.

How often do I ignore my Gods commands and warnings?

How often should my heart break to read Jerimiah 2:2, "I remember...how as a bride you loved me and followed me through [your] deserts...But then you tore off your bonds, you said, 'I will not serve you!' Indeed, on every high hill and under every spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute."

I am basically, as the Lord terms it, "a donkey in heat' (2:24) just shifting in the wind in his craving." I go to whatever I feel at the moment and nevermind my reckless lover who awaits my constant return.

In the words of Derek Webb:

"I am a whore I do confess. I put you on like a wedding dress, and I walk down the aisle. I am a prodigal with no way home I put you on like a rign of gold and I walk down the aisle."

What college relationships have taught me about God

College relationships can be very ridiculous. One of my favorites is when you see a couple get really close without actually dating. Then one or both of these people involved will drop the dumbest crap I have ever heard, and it happens a lot. "I just need to wait on this relationship for a while. I need to figure some stuff out right now. I need to work on my stuff and get my stuff right before I can get into a relationship right now." Absolutely ridiculous!

I love that someone wants to put off a good relationship because they do not want to bring their crap into a relationship. Newsflash! You are going to bring your crap into a relationship no matter what you do. I do not care if you work your crap out and then get into a relationship. There will always be crap in your life, and it will always follow you into your relationship. You cannot allow your crap to affect or taint your view of your relationship.

I may be married, but Tonya and I both have crap we bring into our relationship. Does that mean our marriage is horrible? Of course not! We have a beautiful marriage that continues to show me more and more of my crap I never knew about, and yet our love grows as I trust her in the revelation and healing process of mine and her crap.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE MORE AFRAID OF TRUSTING THE OTHER PERSON THAN THEY ARE OF BRINGING CRAP INTO A RELATIONSHIP!

How great an analogy is human relationships to the connection we have with God! How familiar are those situations to the relationship I have with Christ! I am still learning not to approach God like a college relationship. I will too often look at my relationship with God and get frustrated. I often look at my lacking quiet time. I look at how uncompassionate I am to the broken among me, and then I assume my relationship with Christ must be failing because of all this crap.

I cannot keep connecting all these factors to the "success or failure" of my relationship with Christ. I cannot look at my lacking church attendance or missing a week's tithe and saying, "My relationship with God sucks!" My relationship with Christ is still in pursuit, and all those things are not indicators of a failing relationship. I will always have crap. I will always have walls. I will always mess up on my disciplines. I will always have things I am not that great at doing, but I cannot assume that all these things make my relationship with Christ horrible.

It shows that I do not really trust God's grace and love. I bring all my crap, all my inconsistencies, all my past into relationship with God and trust in his grace and his love. Yes I do have crap! Yes I am inconsistent in my discipline. Yes I need to be more compassionate, but my relationship with God is enriched by my need and desire for Him.