When I am not weak enough

1 Corinthians 9, verse 22 says: "To the weak I become weak, so that I might win the weak."

One reason I struggle so much to reach out to the hurting, broken, and weak around me is because I have not rightfully understood this passage. In attempts to reach out to the poor and weak, I commonly end up taking the stance: "Let me be strong for you. Let me reach out to you and be strong in your weakness. Let me be put-together where you are broken." This is how I have thought it should be for so long.

The problem with that approach, of course, is putting myself in God's role. God's role is to be strong in my weakness and put-together in my brokenness.

My job is to be weak to the weak and broken to the broken. This is how I am to reach the weak and broken.

It is not my job to be God. It is my job to be weak to the weak and broken to the broken and allow God to be strong where we are weak and put-together where we are broken.

Why I crave addiction

"Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied and human eyes are never satisfied." - Proverbs 27:20 This is one reason that addictions are so detrimental. We are created for intimacy with God and that requires an effort on our part. It requires that we at least work on coming closer to his heart. We have to continue to get back to our center, our greatest love, back to the knowledge of God. We have to do this on a regular basis. If we do not continue to get our center, we begin to wander. Before we know it, we "open our eyes" and find ourselves in the "distant country" like the prodigal. Now we need a dramatic and drastic return to the Father, back home. But how much less heartache and pain to stay at my home with my Father than to have wandered slowly into the distant country in need of a drastic return?

When I am a my center; when I am entangled with the heart of God, I am satisfied truly. The only moments I have felt truly satisfied are those when I am centered on God.

This is why addictions are so powerful in our lives. The world offers us addictions because of their nature. They will never satisfy. I will crave addictions for the rest of my life. Addictions feel good, but they do not satisfy. To be 'satisfied' is to say, "I am content with this. This is all I need." Addictions, by their very nature, are never satisfying. That is why they are addictions; they will always vie for my attention. I will always desire them. I will crave them forever and I will never be fulfilled. I will constantly desire the world's offers because they always feel good but never fulfill the needs I have within me.

I need relentless love. That will only be fulfilled at my Center. That will only be fulfilled by my Father God.

If I am to be fulfilled, to be satisfied, to be relentlessly loved, I have to stay home. I have to meet with God and allow him to love me.

How many kids do I gotta have

Before I had kids, one thing they frequently said to me: "You have NO idea! Wait until you have kids."

Once we had a child, they told me:

"You have NO idea. It is a whole different story when you have two."

We had a second child, and I thought I had finally arrived at this mark of maturity and adulthood that seems to keep eluding me. Then I get the congratulatory email:

"It's when you have three that it gets real interesting."

How many kids do I need to have?

Welcome Haddisen Peace Walker

Life has changed dramatically again! We went from being Tonya, PC, and Bryleigh to being "The Walkers". Instead of being attended by Bryleigh, I entered into the stage of life of being flanked by "the girls". On Friday, February 24, 2012 we welcomed into the world and our life, Haddisen Peace Walker. I believe that you speak life into your children's name. You speak meaning into their name and life.

"Addison" means 'son of Adam' or earth. We added the H because we love the nickname "Haddie" but do not like the names traditionally paired with it (Harriet or Henrietta). We also love that Haddisen is a unique name we have not seen elsewhere.

As a whole, Haddisen Peace is very redemptive as a name. The meaning of Haddisen draws you back to God's original and peaceful plan for His world and His people. There was perfection and true 'shalom', but of course, with generations of choice, humanity has terribly broken the orignal state God put in place.

Followers of Jesus and believers look to scripture without getting stuck in the cynicism and skepticism typical of our world's outlook. They actually believe and take God at His Word that he is making all things new (Rev. 21:5). They believe God will restore and repair what is broken. Not only WILL but IS! They believe peace (shalom) is possible.

My hope for Haddisen Peace is that she will live her life with a restoration lens through which she sees herself, God, and God's world. I hope she learns to see life not as it is, but as it ought to be.

When bad Christians happen to good people

"To me a Christian is either a man who lives in Christ or a phony. You Christians do not appreciate that it is on this--the almost eternal testimony that you give of God--that we judge you. You ought to radiate Christ. Your faith ought to flow out to us like a river of life. You ought to infect us with a LOVE for him. It is then that God who was impossible becomes possible for the atheist and for those of us whose faith is wavering. We cannot help being struck, upset, and confused by a Christian who is truly Christlike. And we do not forgive him when he fails to be." - an atheist woman from Paris "Many who had already come close on the way to believing are frightened away by the bad lives of evil and false Christians. How many, my brothers, do you think there are who want to become Christians but are put off by the evil ways of Christians?" - St. Augustine

"It is symptomatic that, despite the church having been around for two thousand years, the mass of people still pass Christianity by. Why? Because the visible presence of Jesus Christ is rarely present in Christians as a whole." - Brennan Manning

"Why blame the dark for being dark? It is far more helpful to ask why the light isn't as bright as it could be." - Rob Bell

When trust is not trust

When I discuss TRUST with a group of people, I commonly break down my definition of trust and how it requires a risk and fear. Otherwise it is not really trust. Commonly, the question then comes, "What if you choose to trust and then you are taken advantage of? What then?" The question brings up a decent point, but we can often allow this to really get in the way of our trusting someone. We have, in asking that question, defied our ability to trust. Trust cannot be dependant on its outcome. If your trust (or lack) is based on the proposed outcome, then you have not trusted at all.

Yes, it is possible to risk and trust someone, and it is possible that it will bring hurt in some cases, but IF you make your decision based on a proposed fear or outcome not to 'go', then you have not trusted.

This applies both to our human relationships as well as our relationship with God the Father. If my trust in God is based on whether or not he gives me tangible affirmation, then I have not trusted God at all. If my trust in my Father is whether or not he moves me to FEEL his presence, I do not really trust God.

TRUST BASED ON THE OUTCOME IS NOT REALLY TRUST!

If I am disheartened and frustrated when God does not write on the wall, speak through a bush or audibly speak to my ears, then I have not really trusted in the Father.

If I spend the majority of my life demanding that God prove himself to me and assure me that he exists and works in my life, then I have not yet learned what it really means to trust God...to have faith.

We all want to be trusted. "Just trust me will ya!" God is no different here. He desires to be trusted. What sort of demands have we put on that trust? We have so many ways in which we demand a certain outcome in order for us to trust in God, but that is no trust in God at all. We have to learn how to trust God even when the outcome is uncertain...otherwise, we will not have trusted at all.

How to hope

If I am going to continue a life of healing in Christ, I will need HOPE. Hope is often highly misunderstood. Since hope is fundamental to our healing, it would serve us well to know what it means. First of all, hope is not a concept. There is substance and definition to hope. Essentially, HOPE is projecting the positive things I am experiencing NOW into the FUTURE. This means HOPE says, "Months from now I will be better of than even now."

The problem with hope is our tendency toward the opposite. We could have the tendency if we are not healing, feeling or working through things to say to ourselves, "Months from now, I'm going to be screwed and worse off."

HOPE PROJECTS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF BEING INTO YOUR FUTURE.

That being said, there ARE a couple things required of us to live a life of hope. To live a life of hope requires a positive current state to project into the future. This means that our current state needs to change.

There must be a CHANGE in our lives in order for us to begin a life of healing and hope. This change, though, requires a RISK be taken. Am I going to be willing to take risks for the cost of healing? If I want to know a life of healing; a life of hope, I have to be willing to take some risks so that change may come. If I stay COMFORTABLE in my current state (the one without healing) I will project THAT state into my future, and I will be the same or worse months from now.

On the other hand, if I look at my current state and get bold enough to take a risk and change it, I will begin to see healing and change. Then my current state changes and I can project it into my future...THIS is hope.

"but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, HOPE. And HOPE does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." - Romans 5:3-5

Just wanna get home...

to my valentines...I love my girls.

My Mexicali Testimony

My first trip to Mexicali was the year Mrs. Ochoa died. I never met her. I never saw her. I had only heard her story in everyone's fractured pieces.

I had heard she was an incredible woman. I hard she loved people. I heard was a very humble but strong leader. I heard she was a prayer warrior type. I heard heard she had passion to love hungry children. I heard she had diabetes and had died from it.

I froze since I also have Type 1 Diabetes.

Mrs. Ochoa had lost legs before eventually passing away and all due to complications with diabetes.

I thought back to when I was diagnosed and my doctor said, "This disease is absolutely manageable. You can live a long life if you take care and manage it well."

The immediate realization was this was something Mrs. Ochoa and everyone else there do not have to the opportunity for. Immediately, I was faced with something I have and continue to take for granted.

WE complain about our medical care. We complain about the pricing of it. We complain about its craziness. We complain about its confusion. We have been given literal life-saving resources and  we complain about how much it costs.

A few days ago I was reading in Proverbs 3:27-28, "Do not withold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your neighbor, "Go, and come back, and tomorrow I will give it. When you have it with you."

When you consider what you have that many do NOT have, we must be mindful and act. It is in our power to do SOMETHING...always. You are in a position to have with you so much more than most of the world has.

That was a lesson I had to learn in Mexicali. I keep going back to gain this perspective and reminder. You learn to live your life differently when you are faced with how much you really do have.

Healing begins in the beliefs

What you do comes out of your beliefs about yourself, others and God. This means that everything we do, every action we do has a root in some sort of belief. This means every action; healthy or destructive, has a root in some belief we have of our self, our world, or our God. Our foundation is our belief system because it is from our belief system that we act. How is it that this happens? Well our certain beliefs create certain emotions, and we already know that our emotions drive our behavior.

So we have to examine our beliefs in order to change; to heal. Now by "beliefs" about our self, others, and God I am not talking about proof or stale theology. When I say belief, I mean that we have to dig deeper into our hearts to see what we REALLY believe about our self, our world, and our God. I am not talking about indoctrinated stale answers. I mean we have to answer, 100% honestly, questions like:

Do I believe God loves me tenderly? Do I believe I can know God very personally? Is God a force, a character, a person...? Do I believe I am a child of God? Do I believe I am truly loved by others? Do I believe I am worthy of love? Can other people be trusted? Is it worth the risk to trust new people? If I have been hurt, should I trust any longer; are all people hurtful? Can God really heal me and love me?

The questions go on and on. But if we truly desire healing and change in our lives, we have to look at our belief systems. Change is going to require insight and changing some beliefs we have deep down about our self, others, and God. Out beliefs drive our attitude toward ourselves, others, and God, and that attitude triggers our behaviors and actions.

Healing our Beliefs

The questions go on and on, but if we truly desire healing and change in our lives, we have to look at our belief system. Chance is going to require insight and changing some beliefs we have deep down about ourselves, others, and God. Our beliefs drive our attitude toward ourselves, others and God, and that attitude triggers our behaviors and actions. Someone who believes deep down that their parent is smart, funny, orderly but also believes that parent is a drunk, compulsive, and insulting is going to choose which of those beliefs will drive their own emotions and thus their own behaviors toward that parent.

Someone who believes they are not pretty, loveable, or are worthless will begin to live their lives looking for someone else who will make them feel like those things are untrue...never changing the belief, but only attempting to fix the behavior. They often end up with someone (addict) who will show an attachment to anyone who touches and gives themselves over to solving an addiction...because the original person would say that the addict "makes me feel loved, pretty and of some great worth." When in reality, neither person is being healed. The addict meets his need and the original person acts out without learning to heal the belief system; learning to change their beliefs about themselves without having someone else change their belief system. Only we can change our belief system...and in turn, change our destructive patterns and behaviors.

Someone who believes God is a tyrant who awaits his next opportunity to punish the sinner would naturally act out against the idea of God. He will never be able to accept Christ. Someone who believes God could never love me as I am; "not with the things I have done" will never be able to live the Christian life of joy. He will never be able to truly worship or pray.

Once we begin to change our belief systems, we can begin to heal and step away from the behaviors and problems that have destroyed so much of our lives.

I believe it has to start spiritually so that God may begin to walk us through our healing. Out of what is believed spiritually comes our morals, values, relationships, how I view myself, and others.