Reading back through old journals can always give phenomenal perspective to where you used to be. I went back to one of my several journals written in the midst of my deepest questioning periods of faith…and this is one of the posts I found…..
Journal Entry from 10-17-01
How amazingly I’ve been spoken to in my Bible reading tonight?! I am amazed by a simple phrase in Psalm 119, verse 86. Its a phrase I now realize is very common in my prayers, my writing, my written prayers: “HELP ME!” Two words mean so much and hold so incredibly much. In an understanding that God truly knows my heart, and in most cases, better than even I do, a simple last cry of “HELP ME” means everything in the world. Its amazing that out of this entire chapter (the longest chapter in the Bible), this phrase has stuck out and meant the most to me. At the beginning of that particular stanza, the writer also exclaims, a little more eloquently, “I am weak from waiting for you to save me, but I hope in your word.” That is me right now. I mean THAT is the very cry from my heart almost to the T. I have been looking and searching for my heavenly father, and the continuous search has made me very weak. Ah, but through it all, I am clinging to hope. I cling to a hope in God’s word to be spoken and encouraged upon me eventually. That verse (81) is immediately followed by a phrase I also sometimes feel is my very cry. “My eyes are tired from looking for your promise. When will you comfort me?” I have felt that so much lately, but I’ve never been able to verbalize it in my prayers to my half-believed heavenly Father. But again, the most amazing thing from this reading comes in verse 86 when I do indeed feel all of this but cannot ever verbalize it as I wish I could: “HELP ME!!” Sometimes, I only wish I could pray verse 88:
“Give me life by your love…”
But I am so content and encouraged in bolding exclaiming,
And cling to the hope that he will.