I might take someone up on the offer of a bird’s life. I suppose I’d take the offer of nearly any animal’s life. Who wouldn’t, really? The most prevalent reason is the lack of responsibility. Who wouldn’t want to fly around above the earth you live off of? No bills or telemarketers! No drama or expectations. Only instinct! You still get to enjoy things like fast food. How many times have you sat outside a fast food restaurant and watched birds eat dropped fries and hamburgers?
I’d be a smart bird though. You would not find me flying around any freeways or abandoned trucks. I’d be very careful around houses and windexed windows. So don’t worry about any of that or anything.
I’d spend a lot of my days atop things humans could never just hang out on. I’d spend a lot of time taking advantage of my new ability to be scared of no height. I’d also take advantage of the amazing ability to sit on an electrical wire. I would sit there and make fun of the humans below at the outdoor Starbucks table wishing they could do what I do.
Of course I would want some liberties that birds do not actually get. Like I want to be a sort of Disney/Pixar bird. No! I just want to speak English. At least give me that. If I am going to live like as a bird, you have to give me something. That would make the taunting that much easier.
I cannot wait to fly south when it gets too hot or cold here…or there…or there. Its the cheapest airfare I’ll ever have. Its not that tiring either. Even chubby birds fly great distances. Regardless, if I got tired I can could pull over at the next watering hole or fast food joint…like I do now.
I think I would also find some homeless man in Chicago and land on his shoulder to be his best friend…one of his only friends. We would talk for hours upon hours every day all day. Of course, people would think he was crazy when he told them his bird talked to him…in perfect English, but people thought he was crazy before he ever met me anyway. Of course, there would be one time he says to someone, “Look! I’ll prove it. Say something, PC.” Then I’d cock my head, look at him in the eye, and just squawk like a dumb bird. Its a little joke my buddy and I would do. Its hilarious really! We’d both laugh, and he’d say, “My bird doesn’t talk, man! You’re crazy!” We’d both get it.
I’d be one of those birds that get caught in an airport terminal or large department store. Except, I think I’d sneak my way into much nicer and more useful places. I’d sneak into movie theaters and Broadway playhouses. Free movies for the rest of my life. I’d watch all the Broadway plays…like Cats…the irony alone of humans acting like animals would be hilarious. I would set up in the rafters laughing like a human, and no one would ever expect the little bird to be the one causing such an interruption.