Allow me to introduce myself: My name is PC Walker, and I am an introverted pastor.
Conversations frequently come my way with students (my congregants) who feel the tension of a wall, which seems to be up between us. The impression is that I am withdrawn, gruff, insensitive, or even rude in some instances.
As it turns out, many pastors, speakers, and leaders are introverted. Your pastor may very well be such.
Does your pastor seem to:
- think more than talk
- have no backbone regarding conflict
- avoid you
- only share personal information with a select few
- prefer writing over talking
- dislike or even hate you
Allow me to be preemptively forthright: Your pastor does not dislike or hate you.
Here are 5 things which may help you understand your introverted pastor and trust that he does not hate you.
1. IT’S NOT YOU, ITS HIM.
This is a part of his personality. The disconnection is not because of you. This is not an excuse; it is a simple statement of reality. The quiet reservedness is part of the way he is wired. It is not a reflection of how he thinks of you.
2. HE IS NOT A BOUNCER (prone to DEPTH; not frequency)
Your introverted pastor is not going to be the type to bounce around from conversation to conversation on a Sunday (or whenever your main gathering is). Outgoing introverts have to work at it in large groups, but the depth of a face-to-face conversation with an introvert may be one of the deepest and most intentional conversations you’ve had.
3. THERE IS ALWAYS A “WHY” (processes)
An introvert, especially an introverted leader, is ALWAYS internally processing things. When an introverted leader enacts a change, which makes no sense to you, you can be assured that he has been over and over and over that decision in his mind for days, weeks, or months. Introverted pastors make no flippant changes. Ask for the “why”, and he will likely have a well-thought out answer for you.
4. HE IS AWARE OF MORE THAN YOU THINK (he observes and reads people…constantly)
Never assume your pastor knows nothing about you. A part of the internal processing mentioned above also applies to people watching. Your introverted pastor observes and reads people…constantly. Introverts have an uncanny ability to read people below the surface. He may not expose what he perceives verbally, but rest assured he knows you exist and…
5. HE LOVES YOU DEARLY…BUT HE IS DRAINED BY YOU
Introverted ≠ shy. Extroverted ≠ outgoing. The two words are references to how the person is energized. Extroverted people are energized by people, and are bored to tears when alone for too long. Introverted people are energized by time alone and are drained by extended exposure to large groups of people. Your introverted pastor is likely an outgoing introvert, but ‘outgoing’ is a mode he has to put himself into. It drains his energy level. It is NOT a reflection of you…it is the way he is wired.
[BONUS]: He IS aware of the disconnection…and he hates it
The downside of the internal processing is that your introverted pastor internalizes EVERYTHING, which includes the negative things. He very much desires to be connected to everyone at the appropriate depths a pastor SHOULD, but the very personality that makes him who he is makes it difficult to attain and sustain frequent connection.
He constantly thinks about the disconnection you feel, but he takes every bit of it personally. What seems like an oddity to an extrovert is a thorn in the flesh of an introvert.
Be mindful of these things next time you feel your introverted pastor dislikes you or intentionally distances himself from you.
PC, I love reading your blog. I always learn something or have something new to think on every time I read one of your post. And also, I think you captured the introverted mind set well. I know I struggle with being introverted., so its nice to know I’m not alone : )
Nobody “struggles” with being introverted. Its not a disorder.
Ah. I guess because of the way our society teaches it I’ve learned to label it as such. I’m still working on getting comfortable in my skin. It’s hard for me to truly embrace my introvertness and balance it with being what is considered social. But I think I’m starting to learn how to do it without giving up how God made me. It’s a process like anything else includes a lot of prayer and long-suffering as Pastor Ted would say on my end.
Good insight PC. You are right, being introverted is not a disorder, however, I think a lot of those who are feel that something might be wrong with being that way. Possibly because of our culture. I think I’m both, but lean more toward the introvert than the extrovert. As a Christian, I often feel I should be more outgoing, friendly, or an extrovert. I don’t know, like God would want me to be because then I’d be more welcoming and better represent Him…
Thank you Jessica. I’m not sure which “Jessica” you are, or if I even know you at all.
I think we live in a culture which expects you to be an extrovert. Our culture’s idea of success does not exactly lend itself well to the introverted personality. There are a few books and resources coming out recently, though, which highlight the incredible value that the introverted person brings to a work and leadership environment…(things like thinking before you talk. ha…little jab there).
One of the benefits of having an introverted personality is the ability to eloquently write and explain what is going on inside your brain. I think this post was thoughtful, meaningful, and helps explain some of the differences between the two main personality types. Having had pastors that are both types, I personally prefer the introverted one. In my experience the introverted personality actually cares about you and talks to you because they want to, not because they have to. Thanks for your honesty, PC!
Thank YOU Malisa!
I am introverted as well. I have found that I have grown most in times when I am challenged to be more than I am, when I put aside the “that’s just not my personality” comment. If I didn’t do things because it wasn’t my first inclination to do so, I would never grow. I don’t know what prompted you to write this, but I do know that is my experience.
I am NOT saying you are not taking any action steps. I am also NOT discounting everything you said. But my question is… what are you going to do about it? In the last bit, you mentioned internalizing everything and that you desire to be connected… but that it is hard to do so as an introvert. I still think there are ways to move forward, as an introvert. NOT try to be an extrovert. But work with your introverted-ness to get to the place of deeper connection, if that is what you desire. I struggled with this when I worked with the youth group because I quickly got burnt out from being around them all the time… But pursuing the one-on-ones, and continually communicating openly with them made that connect I wasn’t able to do in large groups for very long.
I’ve had this post in my drafts for about a month coming off of a few articles I had read BY extroverts ABOUT introverts. (strange, right?) I also had been talking to a few different friends of mine in ministry who are also introverts, and the feedback I was receiving from them was addressing more of THE IMPRESSION people have of them. This post was more of a response to that impression people have of their introverted leaders or pastors.
Good to know. While I don’t think impressions are 100% correct, I do think there’s something to say about those who are doing the impressing… It’s a combination of contributions from both sides.
You know who I am PC, but I wouldn’t say you know me.
The one and only Jessica Kessler. Well, not really, but…
oh yes! Of course I know you. I just didn’t know which “Jessica” this is. I have other Jessica friends
I read this in my email but should’ve come over sooner to comment.
I am not a leader per se or a pastor but this really resonated with me. It helped me to sort out an experience I had which really put that characteristic of mine at the forefront in a rather uncomfortable way. I was part of a team most of whom were extroverted or believed that mode was preferrable. My mode was seen as something of a disability and I spent some time afterward feeling like I had failed in some way.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you for stopping by my friend. Yes, I am continually surprised by how much people can take a personality trait and say, “you should not be this.” I guess that is the problem with being an introvert in a predominately extroverted culture.
I’m an extrovert with a very introverted pastor, and I don’t like it. He’s not well liked or well respected…..his personality is unsuited for the ministry. Introverted pastors are ok as long as their friendly, but he’s standoffish and arrogant. He’s in it for the power. I will pray for him.
Such a great post! Our current pastor is an introvert, and Jonathan’s dad (also a pastor) is an introvert. This is a great reminder for me.
As an introvert pastor of 25 years in pastoral ministry I found the example of Jesus the best approach. (not saying Jesus was an introvert) He spent time on the mountain top, then ministry with people. While being with people drains me, The “mimi retreat” times recharge for the next ministry I need to do.
At seminary we were given a personality test based on the test of 100 pastors considered to be very successful. We were told that if we scored in a particular way we should consider not going into pastoral ministry. Well, I scored far and away from the 100 successful. I never doubted though because my call was from God and now I know it was the right thing for me to do. With God my churches have grown very well.
Thank you for your thoughtful article.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I really do appreciate it
I came across this article because i was struggling with some of the very frustrations you mentioned in this article. I have had a difficult time reconciling this strange dichotomy of loving people but at the same time wearied by them. I always thought “if you truly love people, shouldnt you want to be around them?” Thank you for digging deep and articulating so well the thoughts of an introvert.
I hear you, Pastor. Clearly! I hear you loud and clear!
I’m not a pastor but your post could describe me so well. I wish more people understood what you’ve written about us introverts.
Thank you for your comment, friend. You are absolutely right. Introvert is introvert, whether you are a pastor or not.
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